Life In General

2004-02-02T21:03:00.000-08:00

Thanks to everyone who has read all my bullshit, rants and raves, whines, exclaimations and emotional vomits throughout the past what, 2.5 years? I must say now that it is time to end all this. And it really ends. There will be no more iamkelvin.blogspot.com . I figured, enough is enough and more is less and less is no doubt more. The end has come to which the beginning has ended.

With a heavy heart, thanks for the memories guys!!

Cheers.

2004-01-10T12:16:00.000-08:00

There u have it folks. its that time of the night and the same period of my life again where everything comes in a one big fuck round about. Just as Starhub believes the same, I too feel that every moment has a soundtrack. And for my moment. this is it. This is my song. Come on guys, u all knw who this song is for dont you? sigh.

why do i even bother at times...argh

Warning Sign - Coldplay

A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realised
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses

Come on in
I've got to tell you what a state I'm in
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so

A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realised
That you were an island and I passed you by
You were an island to discover

Come on in
I've got to tell you what a state I'm in
I've got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

And the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
I miss you so
And I'm tired
I should not have let you go

So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms

2004-01-08T20:49:00.000-08:00

Its been too long i guess.

Firstly, a happy birthday to my dear friend Justicia. Happy 18th bday! can go Zouk !

Life's been alrite i believe, however, this same feeling of shittiness and emptiness is lurking around my soul again. I mean, ive got about everything settled already, resolutions are set and good to go . Kinda numb though. Ive been feeling kinda faithless and aimless too. 10 mths more left to ORD. fuck. i cant wait.

Ive become so so insensitive to the many things around me. I dont knw if this is a repercussion of my prolonged battle with my depression issues. Ive stopped my medication for a good 5 mths already but seriously, i am very tempted when i see those pills on my table. Once consumed, i am blissful and happy. Truly happy but yet in such a contradictory manner. have been looking at the small tablets and fighting the temptation to just take the easy way out. im fighting it, or rather myself.

Ive been writing about this issue too many times already and im sick and tired of going through all these feelings and emotions again. fuck lah. Im sick and tired of my life at times too. i really want to give up. maybe its a matter of time when i just can wake up from that deep sleep again. Maybe i just dont want to wake up once i close my eyes.

-blank look-

2003-12-14T21:29:00.000-08:00

Chen passed his driving. Last Saturday was quite a killer. 2 Mercedes and 1 Chevy fighting for supremacy on the roads. heh. Needless to say, it was not my car that was leading. So kudos to Chen and yeah to us. One more driver, one more car. I can step back and relex already. no point being the duty driver anymore. heh heh.

So i guess, this ends my nice 3 days of leave and wow, christmas is coming soon. too soon to be exact. nothing much for me to look forward too. Doesnt matter lah. used to it already. All these loneliness and all. Oh, and Trina if u're reading this, do give me a call! let's go do dinner or something. Didnt knw u're back already.

sigh.

2003-12-07T19:58:00.000-08:00

Okie, new post. What can the most apt song for this moment in my life? Settled in nicely and just indulged in some heavy duty retail therapy. Bought my decks (YAH!!!!) after a 3 year fascination with turning tables and now, im broke. i knw, its not exactly top-end stuff(read: vestax,numark or the evergreen technics) but i bought myself a twin pair of PDT-6000s and a VMX-100 twin channel BPM assist mixer. But im happier. That's good. Now, for the vinyls.and a self made 24-7 Global Underground T-shirt.(terence, we should get down doing this t-shirt)

To end it off, i leave u again with a song.
And of course, it's 3 Doors Down.

"Here Without You"

A hundred days have made me older
since the last time that i saw your pretty face
a thousand lies have made me colder
and i don't think i can look at this the same
but all the miles that seperate
disappear now when i'm dreaming of your face

i'm here without you baby
but you're still on my lonely mind
i think about you baby
and i dream about you all the time
i'm here without you baby
but you're still with me in my dreams
and tonight it's only you and me

the miles just keep rollin'
as the people leave their way to say hello
i've heard this life was overrated
but i hope that it gets better as we go

i'm here without you baby
but you're still on my lonely mind
i think about you baby
and i dream about you all the time
i'm here without you baby
but you're still with me in my dreams
and tonight it's only you and me

everything i know,and anywhere i go
it gets hard but it wont take away my love
and when the last one falls
when it's all said and done
it gets hard but it wont take away my love

i'm here without you baby
but you're still on my lonely mind
i think about you baby
and i dream about you all the time
i'm here without you baby
but you're still with me in my dreams
and tonight it's only you and me

2003-11-24T06:14:00.000-08:00

Moving moving moving.
Im moving to a new place.
Again.

Earwax: The Cinematic Orchestra - Man with a Movie Camera

2003-11-16T00:42:00.000-08:00

Im back again. Strangely, i did attempt to take my life on a faithful saturday night, which coincidentally was, last night.
I was unsuccessful. <----of course, that line was totally reduntant, isnt it?

View from the top
I came home and looked straight out of my window.
Dissatisfied with life and angry with everything, i considered my options.
what can i do to make me NOT feel this way?
i pondered while dragging on a cigarette.

"Maybe all this will go away when it has to", said Kelvin
"Or maybe it will never go away and I will still feel just as fucked up 10 years to come as im feeling right now." butted in Kelvin.
"Or its just your angst? The perennial dislike I harbour deep inside, corroding away my emotional well being and turning my heart into a cold, rusting piece of metal." Kelvin screamed with so much force that he shivered in the face of a yellow moon.

The loudest thought came from the quiet Kelvin. the Kelvin that is the most unassuming among all Kelvin personas. Not the arrogant Kelvin, not the noisy Kelvin. But the unassuming Kelvin.

" Go. Jump. Come on. Prove to the world that you are just like what everyone thinks you are."

I looked down. I leaned over.

I pulled back.

My lighted cigarette fell slowly through 9 floors of still air, and as i breathed in each breath, it suffocated me.
I sat down.
Tears streamed down my face.

I lit another cigarette. and as if God just spoke to me, i realised something that i always said but never did.

" Finally, you've just let go of everything."
" Now, its time for change."

Its time to change.

Somethings.

But eventually, Everything.

2003-11-14T08:27:00.000-08:00

this is not good.

ive been feeling suicidal for the past couple of days. Not really depression but the feeling to jump from buildings and dashing across roads where traffic is at its fastest.
Damn it. I dont have any medication left. Ive taken to drinking again to help me get out of this. shit. I need my diazepam, Lexotan, Rivotril and Prothiaden. I really need something to get me out of this.

help. Maybe someone out there can help me. I dont like my brain and my heart. SOmeone please cut it out for me. Kill me like how they do it in Kill Bill or Happy Tree Friends.

Please. Just fucking murder me or something.

2003-11-11T08:41:00.000-08:00

well well.
Im offically 22 now.
nothing much and nothing more.
Got some answers to the questions i pondered so much before.
Sadly, im human. Need I live in denial or need I deny myself to live.
well, i havent got the answer for that yet.
Strange, we dont get the answers to the questions we yearn .
Nevertheless.

smoke.
shoot.
film.
~~love~~

Earwax : UNKLE - Never Never Land. (should i even say more about UNKLE?)

2003-11-09T17:47:00.000-08:00

This is to purely satisfy my geekness. True, i always liked irrational numbers. Cant explain, dont bother to find the answer. Strangely, that line applies to somethings that's happening in my life right now. And it sucks. it's just fucked up.
I promise a write up soon on my last pre birthday celebration at the Wine Network on Saturday. its madness. or at least i was drunk. What's new?

What Irrational Number Are You?

You are √2

You are in good company, many other square roots are also irrational numbers. Just by being a square root you have been branded a radical. You are considered very attractive, especially by Europeans (at least on paper.)

You fear that a relationship with another √2 may somehow end up complex and ultimately imaginary. In reality, only another √2 will make you whole.

Your lucky number is approximately 1.41421356

Shiny Lemur

Straif's Blog

2003-11-03T04:25:00.000-08:00

The Big Five Personality Test

Extroverted	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	64%
Introverted	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Friendly	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Aggressive	\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Orderly	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Disorderly	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Relaxed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	32%
Emotional	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	68%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	72%
Practical	\|\|\|\|\|\|	28%

Take Free Big 5 Personality Test

2003-11-02T10:21:00.000-08:00

and of course. here is the post. and this rocks.
who knws! im the devil in disguise.
wat luck!

DEVIL/PAN
"the joker, worker, stabilizer"
You are gifted when it comes to protecting yourself
from judgements cast upon you by others. In
fact, you are not easily thrown by external
reality. You have the capacity to work and
play hard and to laugh at yourself. This is
the card of humour and sexuality (it is the
only card with genital symbols).
"Devil" spelled backwards is
"lived", and it is very fitting. You
live with humour and have a stable foothold on
life. Of course, you do love setting the
occasional bit of mischief into play.

which major arcana of the thoth tarot deck are you? short, with pictures and detailed results
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-10-20T19:06:00.000-07:00

Strangely, i sought the answer to my deepest darkest questions. then agaiin, as Fate would deal a cruel hand, i still cannot find an answer. I guess if its meant to be, it would be wouldnt it? Fucked up or not, the feeling still remains. I guess, im stuck in this neutral position and got no where to go.
Im battling a million thoughts in my head while urging my nose not go drop on me. Headache.
Dont knw what else to write. maybe i shouldnt even wrote this post at all.

Earwax - Dashboard Confessionals : Hands Down

2003-10-17T09:14:00.000-07:00

its so weird. when someone tells u indirectly a 'no' , usually u cant tell.
well in my case. i always cant tell. i think i should have a change of eyeballs. probably fit in a new pair of ears as well.
as much as i have my own room to turn in and run back, i think the initial feeling of fuck, is always the most fucked up feeling.
argh. as my good fren so aptly puts it,
What to do?

yes. what to do?
nothing i guess.
sleep maybe. at least i dont have to think when my eyes are closed.
or at least i hope.

2003-10-15T21:57:00.000-07:00

Finally, the burden is lifted and the answer is given. Im so relieved. Although i knw that you prob never read this blog at all, i still want to dedicate this song to you. Lovely little song with meaningful lyrics though. So very apt.

For everyone else, hah. Doesnt this song bring back some memories when u're in desperation ? or when u're just feeling so fucked up in the morning when u already felt so fucked up already the night before. and no, death doesnt solve anything. Just step back from that ledge and walk away. I did just that.

Third Eye Blind - Jumper

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand.
I would understand,
The angry boy, a bit too insane,
Icing over a secret pain,
You know you don't belong,
You're the first to fight, You're way too loud,
You're The flash of light, On a burial shroud,
I know something's wrong,
Well everyone I know has got a reason, To say, put the past away,

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, That you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand,
I would understand.

Well he's on the table, And he's gone to code,
And I do not think anyone knows,
What they are doing here,
And your friends have left, You've been dismissed,
I never thought it would come to this, And I, I want you to know,
Everyone's got to face down the demons,
Maybe today, We can put the past away,

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand,
I would understand,
I would understand...

Can you put the past away, I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,

I would understand...

2003-10-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

0126hrs - Madness amidst the calm

Seriously, many things are on my mind. Its mid Oct and im still stuck in some rut. Im waiting for an answer. Strangely, it eludes me. heh. i laugh at the thought of it. SOme answer it would be. Im trying to be diplomatic here. but hah, there's no place for diplomacy.

Ronan Keating vs Chemical Brothers
Ronan Keating i realised, has quite a nice voice. but then, of course, who can deny the massive beats that only Chem brothers can bring on? then again, there is this voice that im quite addicted to. heh. Blame me yes. Think otherwise, i encourage. Im not talking right am i? heh. my mind lah. searching high and low for an answer, but then no answer. So mind responds by coming out with 50,000 thoughts per day.(read that in some medical journal lying around in the clinic) rather, it's 50,000 scenarios/most likely/what ifs. How to survive like that? Mind would probably be burnt out .

i think i dont knw what to write anymore. maybe, till a next update or major event. I shall post back.

earwax: longview - cant explain. (im so sappy)

2003-09-29T21:34:00.000-07:00

hello there everyone.
Its been too long hasnt it? Or rather, i think i've lived through the last month as though it was the longest period of my life.

Repetition of most feelings and thoughts coupled with DJ Shadow on loop causing all the horrors and hallucinations. Amidst Ny Batteri and Olsen Olsen(both live at the Vienna Opera House 2002- for the uninformed, its Sigur Ros.) I realised something major. Im still trying to struggle with myself as i did way back 3 years ago. Till this day, that smile is just a facade of my insecurities and emotional hang ups and bullshit that's clamouring me for attention. Its very tiring and very draining. Music has this healing thing and this weird way of making u realise that something. I dont knw what, but i love my quiet sessions at Seletar resevoir, I park my car there and smoke, and just look out into the sea. Accompanied by the choice of music there and then.

i had enough

Ive stopped taking my pills and im trying to push myself up using sheer grit and determination. Relying on just one thing. My heart. Im no longer going to make the world seem so bleak when its just me. yes guys, ive wallowed in pity and blame but something else matters more now. i want to live my life to the fullest.

I reckon, in about a month, my life will take a full swing 360º to where it should be. No more 'yes, alrite' , no more 'okie, not a problem'. I will stop giving in to other people and listen to myself. Selfish it might seem, but at the end of the day, i should be at peace with myself, answering only to my parents and myself.

Not anyone fuck else.

True, frens do come and go, and I've had my share of them. But one thing is for sure, my shunfu kids wont go. Friends.

Recovery
it wount be easy. No. but Im banking my hopes on someting. i guess, in time to come, you guys will understand. Its weird but yes, i knw its weird. You all probably wont knw what the fuck im saying, but seriously, trust me, the moment will be so beautiful. its just my moment. and I hope it comes soon, although i wont go into that long monologue of expectations and all that shit. It doesnt have to be that way. Till the next post i guess. In the gist of things, my life is overdue. enough of pills to put me on a time lapse recorder and making me feel like Tom Hanks in groundhog day.

i live my life for what i feel and what i am.

2003-08-26T19:06:00.000-07:00

Its been a shitty 2 weeks of my life.
Im on a hiatus.
Need to get out of my hell hole.
Im fucking off for a good long period.
Till then.

2003-08-19T17:13:00.000-07:00

Dear all, sorry for the lack of updates. My granmother passed away on Sunday 17 August 2003.
Seriously its fucked up. Sometimes, i wish i could have control over such matters on life and fate but alas, im but a simple human being, with all the liabilites of being human.(then again, i cant ask to be God cant i?)
She passed away due to heart failure while i was doing an edit. My father called me around 530pm, telling me that my granma has collasped. Alrite, i thought, u knw, she's been in and out of hospital recently. I continued doing my work. But deep down inside, i had this urge to go and drive off to the hospital but i didnt. I just kept on doing my work, telling myself that i would finish up and save the damn thing.
The stuff u literally take for granted and yes, as Murphy's Law would put things oh-so-fucking-nicely-in-place, i was 10 mins away from the hospital and my dad called again. She was gone.
The same thing happened for my granfather 8 years ago and i was rushed to the hospital again by my dad. I was 10 steps i guess outside the ward where my granddad was and again, he gave his last breath to God and there he went. I remembered my uncle telling me that my grandad was calling for me . I missed him and this time around, i missed my grandma again. I dont knw what to say. its difficult enough handling death and trying to cope with the guilt?! i hate myself. go ahead, can someone fuck me? Please? at least, get me out of this hole. I dont knw what will happen when they cremate her on thursday. Truly i really miss her and i regret the times i didnt go see her. dont take things for granted. seriously.

Ah Ma, this one's for you.

Wish You Were Here

I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy...happy
I wish you were here
I lay my head into the sand
The sky resembles a backlit canopy with holes punched in it
I'm counting UFO's
I signal them with my lighter
And in this moment I am happy...happy
I wish you were here
The world's a roller coaster and I am not strapped in
Maybe I should hold with care but my hands are busy in the air

Incubus - Morning View

2003-08-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

Metrosexuality or Meandmysexuality

hello there everyone,Im back from Bangkok. Spent the last 4 days there moving around, taking in the sights and all and do some essential shopping. Didnt buy that THAT much but then, some jeans and tshirts and all the whatnots. Pictures are herefor you curious ppl to see.

You knw, there has been some talk about me being 'gay' at times, through my speech and my actions, with the limp wrist and all. Seriously, those who knw me can definetely vouch for me that im 100% heterosexual. OK, i admit that i do have my feminine side and im always in tune and in touch with my emotions and im not afraid to show it. Fuck, i can cry at movies(the rock and Speed, just to name a few), indulge in retail therapy more than often and i can even tell you which color of your eyeshadow doesnt match ur lipstick or whether your foundation is too thick or not. So sue me, fucking hell. Im like that and i like to dress up, look good and yes, im not afraid of colognes, hair wax and gel. Bring them on! I like weird shirts, loud, attention looking " im quite gay and yuppie' kind. but so what? A revelation here, yes, i've considered at one point of time in my life (which isnt too far back) about my own sexuality, but fuck, doesnt everyone go through something like that once or twice in his/her lifetime? There's totally nothing wrong with that!

Ive nothing against homosexuals and i must say that i support this whole opening up of the gay community here. I believe that every gal has some 'guy' in her and every guy has some 'gal' in him. So what's the big fucking deal if someone gets in touch with his/her inner 'guy' or 'gal' feelings/emotions/thoughts? It's not a yuppie thing and yes, maybe its true. The article that ran in Sunday Life about Metrosexuals is simply fantastic. No, Im not gay but i dont see why cant i buy a full set of Clinque's Face Protection for Men facial products. And yes, i can go for facials and manicures/pedicures. cant a guy pamper himself? I changed my wardrobe, clothes a little tighter and lost more weight and started on a little workout regime. I cant look like a skater boy all my life can i? heh.

Yes, you might read this and think that im totally fucking confused and have no fuck idea about what im writing about. But then again, this is the best part. I can tell you now that im happy like this and no one will change me. Im like that and i like myself for being like this. so fuck them who say that im sissy, wussy and just plain pussy. Hey, at least i knw that im contented with my life. How many ppl can actually say that now? Hah.

Earwax: Dusty Springfield's The Ultimate Collection,Suba Tributo (producer of tanto tempo who sadly passed away) and Aphex Twin Selected Ambient Works 85-92( sweet.....)

2003-08-04T00:56:00.000-07:00
Entanglements

Hello there frens and family(hi mum), im writing to you once again from the shitty confines of my camp. Okie, im listening to Diana Krall's cover of Look of Love and Autumn Leaves. My thoughts dont really click in with my fingers banging on my keyboard these days. its like the whole fuck MRT train of thoughts going through my head is on flurazepam, moving so fast yet so fucking slow that time seems to move backwards.

I get pretty lost in my head and my body doesnt respond easily these days. Its like im on the bus/mrt/car and i totally get lost in the thoughts in my head. I rant and go on non stop about modifying IP packets to spoof SCV or any ISP about finding out about the mp3s in my harddisk, trying to think about a way to block off the open ports to prevent hacks and even why are the trees along sembawang drive all brown, instead of green. Confused am i? Nay, i deny. I dont know what's wrong. maybe it's all the drugs. Maybe it's my karma. maybe it's all about 2 and 2 will be 5. i dont know. my drugs. They dont work anymore? Off the track, go read Shaun's post on Radiohead. Very well written and extremely understandable.

Looking forward to my trip to Bangkok and ironically, i want to escape the shittified feeling of being in a concrete box but then, i decided to fuck it. I think i just need a change of environment. and i hate being in singapore. Shopping is good therapy so let the good times roll man.

On the hindsight, look out for shunfukids.blogspot.com . It's coming to a URL near u. heh. Let it be a momento of our circle, our friendship and the most beautiful of all, the memories. ( so fuck me if u think im melancholic, i treasure all u guys. Shunfu Kids! )

Till the next post, im swimming with my head stuck in the toilet bowl while screaming out loud what wrong's with me while someone is flushing the toilet.

Essential earwax: Cuica - City to City under Ubiquity Records. (breaks all over the floor, how can u not move to it?)

2003-07-27T22:39:00.000-07:00
Okie, here i am, writing about my dismal of working at zoukout. (or rather zouk's management.)
Zoukout, well, caught my interest with all the live acts performing and they had Gus Gus headlining the show, followed by Dirty Vegas and lastly, the Stereo MCs(we got to stay connected y'all) heh.

The music was fantastic, i loved Gus Gus's blend of hip hop, techno and happy dance music.(its not the cheesy techno stuff,but icelandic techno!) It is fantastic although, the crowd didnt really like it. i dont understand why, maybe the crowd didnt appreciate the beats they churned out.

Dirty Vegas totally turned up the volume with their semi-acoustic and semi-electronic set and i absolutely sung along when they played the acoustic version of their hit, Days Gone By. So nice. Following that, they pumped it up and moved onto other dancier tunes that carried the crowd out and they actually came back for an encore.

Stereo MC's well, were an arrogant batch of arses as they didnt allow us to film them at all. They cited that they hated cameras in their faces. Alrite then, so be it, at least i danced along to their solid live performance. The lead guy, Rob Birch, even brought down a Moog! yes, a Moog with the voice vocoder thingy and woah, that blew me away totally.

Now onto the most shitty part, Zouk wanted us to return our production passes to them cos they are afraid that we mgt pass it along to other ppl and on the next day, other ppl could crash in. But with the peanuts they're paying me and my crew, fuck it. I didnt even get to go in the next day, missing out on Sasha, James Lavelle and Kenny 'Dope' Gonzales. Fuck. never mind. ZOuk is so flithy rich and they only open 1 miserable Porta-loo for like 40 + technical guys. so much for welfare. So guys, now u knw where ur money goes everytime u buy the entrance tix or pick up a $48 jug of Southern Comfort with Sprite. Fuck them.

enough of my rants. Well, at least i bought myself a Zoukout T-shirt for $10 bucks. Consolation for a fucked up job.

Next stop: Liquid Room.

Earwax: The Animatrix OST - Layo & Bushwacka! -" Blind Tiger"

2003-07-20T18:36:00.000-07:00
Its been a while again, and im writing to you from the confines of this fortified compound.
im sleepy and i havent really have a good nite's rest. Head's been pounding because i had too much of a cheap wine. Heh.
i was out with my sec skool mates and i must say that its real good catching up again.
The harsh truth is that some of my female sec skool mates are actually married *gasp* and have kids *shakes head*. No it's not a shotgun thing.
Its a love thing. Goodness.
Seriously, after all that chatting and catching up, i was just so absorbed into the fact that the sec skool gals i knew, with all that naivety and innocence, are all married and starting a family. Kinda too much to accept over a $40 bottle of Chardonnay and
What's with marriage in the 1st place? like i always mentioned, "Marriage is not about that 1 day which u walk down the church aisle, say i do and have a big dinner. It goes beyond all that."
its a lifetime committment and seriously, i feel that its also takes a lifetime to actually love someone.

maybe in time, i'll realise that. Someday. Somehow.

Earwax: Mandalay's Solace album, Sarah Brightman's version of Beautiful (with all the glory of indian sitars and tabla-like beats), John Kong's - On the right track (which is avalible on the Do right! label, sweet stuff, putting the nu in the genre nu jazz. sweet.)

2003-07-13T21:44:00.000-07:00
I decided to come up with complete nonsense on my horrendous inability to speak Mandarin and so here it is. These 2 characters are inspired by the primary skool chinese textbooks we used to have and have been recycled through my sick and demented mind.

Xiao ming and Xiao hua are 2 superbly crafted characters from me demented brain. This whole series will be called Pee-na-ap-pa-le with fan-gua
A definite first on blogger, now i shall explain these 2 characters.both of them are only 14 yrs old, lower sec skool kids , bespectacled small fucks.

Xiao Ming: Suspect closet gay dude, but visual reports confirm that he is INDEED gay. Best bud of Xiao hua and prone to moments of stoning into blank spaces. However he is fond of pulling down his shorts/pants to expose his arse . Here, xiao hua would seize the chance to grab his ass, on a bright and windy day. Without a voice box, he cannot talk and is refered to a silent mountain goat. However as long as he is given some alcohol, he will spit out all his anger. Definite Mediacorp Chinese Drama. (translate most parts into chinese)

Xiao Hua: Gay partner of Xiao Ming with frequent support of a unknown, unclassified person name Xiao Wen(insert drama music here) !! exclamtion mark, always appearing at the wrong timings. Has a penchance for books and studying, always saying that is good for the brain , with frequent expressions of anxiousness and kan cheong ness, he is prone to vulgar break outs and highly neurotic. Also, he is fond of grabbing other's asses, especially Xiao Ming.

alrite, here u have it folks, my 2 characters. haha. but i dont knw what is wrong with me today. haha..can die.
I want to get out of here.
Help. help. My world is falling.

2003-07-13T21:36:00.000-07:00
Another post on the essential listening sessions in Pasir Laba Camp

Thrill - Dzihan (half of the Dzihan and Kamen) on Winter Chill 02 06.02 Disc 2

Constant repeat means perpetual soothing.

And i'm saving enough $$ soon to buy my pair of Technics 1210MkIIs! haha! and soon,(time frame mid november) i can buy my records !! With dedication and practice, i will work hard to be the guy behind the console, dishing out chill out, downtempo, nu jazz, broken beats and totally leftfield muzak. Hey, one more option just in case i dont get to Griffith Uni/RMIT/QUT to do Film and TV.

i mean i really dont want to be a grip/gaffer/cam asst all my life. Seriously.

2003-07-13T19:21:00.000-07:00
i surfed and surfed and chanced upon sigur ros's label in iceland.
I remember sometime ago, on a drizzling evening outside borders, Chen passed me one side of his earphones and told me to listen to 'this good shit' that is spinning on his old skool Panasonic Discman.
What hit me was a collective of dreamy synths and echoy guitar sounds infused with the soft drums beats, and i felt so so, indescrible.
I dont knw how to put it into words but it just gets into my skin, making me feel sleepy, peaceful and full of conflictings emotion all at once.
From svefn-g-englar to agetis byrjun to ( ) , it justs get better. I 've got most of their singles on mp3 and true to heart, they are fantastic.
Now, i just placed an order for Von. The 1st Sigur Ros album in 1997, and apparently, its not avalible anywhere outside Reykjavik, so i wait with abated breath.

Yes, enough about the Fake Plastic Trees and about emo. I listen to what i want, i listen to what i like, and yes, so what if i have a hypersensitivity to 40hz and above beats. To me, Radiohead is a great band, and their songs are great. I did sign the petition too to try to bring them down to Singapore, but like a lie, it never happened. But my industry friends tell me that bringing Radiohead down is going to cost alot and some shit about their small fan base. So much for that.

"Music is appreciated by one's own mind but absorbed only by the soul" - unknown

Essential Listening: Von by Sigur Ros - Live at the Icelandic Opera house, John Digweed MMII , Zero Seven - Simple Things and Smashing Pumpkins' Greatest Hits.

PS: Pam, i did a search on amazon for Dzihan and Kamen and seems that there are only 2 CDs released from them. Seems interesting but i strongly recommend the Nuspirit Helsenki compliation.

2003-07-10T00:32:00.000-07:00
its raining.
I love the rain.
Gets me even more down in moods.
I have nothing to live for i believe.
When i question existence, does God give a fuck?
I dont know.
Another of those depressing sonnets from Shakespeare.

That time of year thou mayst in me behold
When yellow leaves, or none, or few do hang
Upon those boughs which shake against the cold
Bare ruined choirs where late the sweet birds sang.
In me thou seest the twilight of such day
As after sunset fadeth in the west,
Which by and by black night doth steal away,
Death's second self, which seals up all in rest.
In me thou seest the glowing of such fire
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,
As the deathbed whereon it must expire,
Consumed with that which it was nourished by.
This thou perceiv'st, which makes thy love more strong,
To love that well which thou must leave ere long.
-William Shakespeare Sonnet 73

2003-07-09T20:39:00.000-07:00
Here it is. another post for another day.
My mood of the day is reflected in this song.
its the recent change of events man.
For the shunfukids, maybe u'll think im just plain emo and shit but hey, this song speaks to me. in volumes.

"Fake Plastic Trees"

Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself

It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins

It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run

It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out

If I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted all the time
- RadioHead - the bends

2003-07-08T18:48:00.000-07:00
okie, so i found out that i angered some women over my previous post on what i said about "once you knw one girl, u know all." yes, its true, that's the way i feel.
my apologies if i angered anyone.
then again, i realised for the umpeteen time, that a blog has it perils. its like writing ur own emotional journey through a day and publishing it on the Internet. Its crazy, more like bloggers tend to have a mildly voyeuristic side to them, or are we just who we are, putting a voice down on our thoughts and feelings via the keyboard?
sometimes, i tell myself that i want to stop my blog, but then, seriously, look at me, i'm always in the mood of high and lows, (bi-polar mood disorder) if u guys dont knw what it is,go check on Yahoo. yes, im depressed, im crazy and yes im quite stupid but this helps. This helps me to move ahead everyday, just banging away on a keyboard in the dark of a room, huddled in the corner of my camp, out somewhere in a LAN shop or something, u knw, these posts all have a significence.
Seriously, i set up the tag board cos if u guys dont like what i write, go ahead and flame me. I have my reasons for writing, my reasons for feeling this way, my reasons for wanting to express myself.
But hey, it makes me happy.
I quote from someone whom i had a conversation with last nite:

As long im happy, i dont really care.

That's true isnt it? hah. its so true. Happiness doesnt come often these days, so if it ever comes to me or you, i think we should just all feel good and not bother about what others think, say or do.
Ironically, we can never do that.

My project has ended and i hope the post will come out fine. I want to make this a success and i really dont want to see it die because my director (some 2nd yr FSV fuckhead) who thinks that he can direct a 60min feature with just a script and no shot list. Impromptu? Fuck. He has no basic responsibility for equipment even. Dont bother even talking about basic respect for a human being. but fuck it. i did my best and i will help in post to make sure nothing goes wrong.

enough of work. my usual sign off of i hate NS and yes, it's another day for life in general.

see...even my thoughts are in fragments. No thanks to Rivotril!

2003-07-04T19:44:00.000-07:00
Love is my sin and thy dear virtue hate,
Hate of my sin, grounded on sinful loving:
O, but with mine compare thou thine own state,
And thou shalt find it merits not reproving;
Or, if it do, not from those lips of thine,
That have profaned their scarlet ornaments
And seal'd false bonds of love as oft as mine,
Robb'd others' beds' revenues of their rents.
Be it lawful I love thee, as thou lovest those
Whom thine eyes woo as mine importune thee:
Root pity in thy heart, that when it grows
Thy pity may deserve to pitied be.
If thou dost seek to have what thou dost hide,
By self-example mayst thou be denied!

William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXLII

2003-07-03T01:57:00.000-07:00
Guys, check this out. This is my geek code. Somesort of a paraody of the PGP 3.1 RSA encryption code. heh.
if u want to, Go here to figure it out here!

-----BEGIN GEEK CODE BLOCK-----
Version: 3.1
GMU d-- s+:+ a-- C++++ U+++ P+ L++++ E+ W++ N o+ K-

w+++ O++ M+ V PS+ PE Y+ PGP+ t--- 5-- X+++ R+ tv+

b+ DI++ D+ G+ e h r- x+
------END GEEK CODE BLOCK------

Heh, sometimes, i just want that thermal imaging camera attachment they scan us with at the Woodlands checkpoint. Rock.

2003-06-29T09:55:00.000-07:00

What rating is your journal?
brought to you by Quizilla

haha...so much for a blog rating.

2003-06-28T13:32:00.000-07:00
i just got back from zouk.
a bad nite resulted from going into the O bar, and not Double O.
Fuck.
I will never never never let that ever happen again.
A $200 dollar mistake. A bottle of Famous Grousse Whiskey downed in less than an hour.
it is stupid.
But nevertheless, we made it up. We went to zouk.
Phuture to be exact.
Where the dark breakbeats of Prodigy and Chemical Brothers met Underworld.
Ahh, a timely escape from the monotony of NS life.
I am really high right now but then, i'm needing sleep.

Earwax: Dzihan and Kamen - Stiff Jazz
I love my music genre. The chill out lounge, leftfield, deep house, whatever u might call it.
Im so under the influence of alcohol.

OKie. check out the links for the photos of me from the Mandai Sessions. It doesnt look that bad noe, the arty shots and all . heh. i surprise myself. Some of the photos are good wallpapers too. heh. Im selling myself here. I took most of them.

2003-06-23T20:42:00.000-07:00
To himself everyone is immortal; he may know that he is going to die, but
he can never know that he is dead.
-Samuel Butler, writer (1835-1902)

2003-06-22T20:16:00.000-07:00
I write a short post.
Yes, ive broken up with Felise and im single again. Not that im looking to be attached again but then i dont really give a shit about relationships anymore.
I just want to focus on my work. My career. I want to go for more shoots, do more films, and ultimately study for a degree in filmmaking. Get a job, enjoy life and smell the roses.
I quote from bonsaiboy : " Once u know a girl, you know all. They're all the same."

true true.

Maybe someday, some one will prove that statement wrong.

2003-06-15T00:15:00.000-07:00
Whispering voices, fleeting glances
Swaying bodies, heaving bosoms.
Rationale questioned, alcohol surging
Smoke swirling , anger rising.
Jealousy
Feet moving, body purging.
Denial
Smile falsely, logic confused
Silence.
Fast car, hot food.
Carpark laughters, waving goodbyes.
Rest needed, brain malfunctioning.
Sleep arrives, night departs.

2003-05-28T19:48:00.000-07:00
Im back from Redang!! Took quite a fair bit of photos. Will post them up asap, i promise. I need to fix some resolving issues with a fucked scanner and voila, pictures coming to you!!

OKie, shameless advertising here. There is a photo exhibition going on at Objectifs showcasing the work of 5 students who underwent a 10 week class in black and white photography and that includes me!! haha....*evil laughter* Pity, i got only 1 picture up for the exhibition but i'll put more of my other pics up on the site, i promise.

I feel that there's this gap in communication with people these days. For example, it's like this, my current superior in camp(let's use the name Shorty here), is quite the ever efficient arsehole. I dont know why is it difficult for us (media ppl) to talk to non-media ppl. Im not stereotyping or anything, but then, i dont knw. I see things in pictures and sometimes visualise thoughts and ideas in a collective montage of serotonin infused colors and sounds. OKie, simply put it, i kinda lost respect for him a long way back, because of a very simple reason. He has no respect for a fellow human being. He is so self-absorbing in his own work that it makes him some kind of maniac, some kind of internally self-destructive machine, quite devoid of feelings most of the time. Always trying to be on top of things and pushing the guys in the Ops room to a 'new beginning'

i quote " come on guys, endure ! we must set a standard! " . it's not that i dont take pride in my work but seriously, conscription for 2.5 years and you want me to take pride in my fucking work when my own freedom is caged? Fuck that. Pardon my complaints and blunt views but this is what i feel and what i see in this person whom i must call 'Sir' due to fucked up ranking hierachy. Sigh, its amazing to see how a person can change totally from 100% nice guy to unassuming bastard in just a year. I have seen this guy for about a year and now he has to go. Which is not a bad thing. He can fuck off for all i care.

Well, for first impressions, at least our new superior is not that bad. He is so soft spoken and has a soft spot for Tony Parsons? hur hur...but nevertheless, interesting read. well, as for me, i'm still half way through of this month's FHM! wow wow wow! heh.

Earwax: Jason Mraz, Michelle Branch - Goodbye to you, Simply Red and Cocteau Twins - Pitch the Baby and Cherry Colored Funk.

2003-05-20T17:47:00.000-07:00
i have decided to post my photos up , probably hosted by villagephotos or something.
I'll only probably do it next week, so by the start of June, you guys can probably see it. hurhur.
Anyone knws where i can host my photos ? im going to scan it in at quite a high resolution, so as not to lose out on the detail of my black and white photos.
I went back to objectifsyesterday and spent the whole afternoon there, escaping the FUCKED UP weather, and in the peace of the darkroom, i was processing my photos. not too bad i must say. Some are quite nice after all.(im so pompous)
heh.

Earwax: Placebo's - Sleeping with Ghosts(which is very very well engineered and the music ROCKS!!!) and New Order's International Greatest Hits(okie okie, im still stuck there in the 80s)

Eyecandy:The 'Many-worlds' theory of Quantum Mechanics Very insightful and greatly enjoyable, well , to me lah, at least. i always enjoyed reading this kinda stuff.

2003-05-18T08:51:00.000-07:00
its been a while. Yes, i knw, its been so long.
Im looking forward to my Redang trip in a couple of days.
U knw, the pristine white beaches, clear waters, sigh, the air. Not the shitty smell of the MRT/bus which is laced with the stench of school kids, blue/white collar workers, housewives, NS men and weird fuckers.
Clean sea breeze rushing across my face with the warm sun on my skin. im a happy man.
Till then, life is a surreal groundhog day dream. Maybe i should pick up cross-stitching. im happier that way am i? heh.
Im quite a female person after all! interesting.

2003-05-05T17:28:00.000-07:00
Pete Tong , May 9th, Zouk
What else more do you want me to say?
His name says it all.

$15 before 9pm, $23/28 after 9pm.
Does anyone wanna go?
*i nod my head*

Tag my board if u wanna go. Ive been waiting for this day ever since Febuary (remember Terence, i keep telling you he's coming? and yes! he's here!)

Now, a final wish, that the fucking SARS thing doesnt cancel his trip here. *crosses fingers*

Pete 'fuckin Tong .

Yeah!

2003-04-20T18:54:00.000-07:00
Alrite. Tag board is seriously fucked up. I dont knw why but all my posts on it are deleted. what's wrong here?
Went JB again, (Malaysia Boleh!) to pump petrol and buy ciggs as usual. But this time, there were only 3 of us in the car.
Felise, Terence and me.
There were initial fears that we might get lost in JB again. But then, fuck it! No venture no gain. Haha. went in to the Shell kiosk and then felise and terence went to buy ciggs! It was another successful raid!! hahah!!! okie, im think im rambling on again. i dont knw whats wrong with me. Brain doesnt seem to spew out properly structured sentences and thoughts.
Oh yes! and im in the process of putting up some pics hosted on geocities or something soon. Hmm, i need Roy's help on that one.okie..so much for this post. i knw its quite shit. yah. ok. i knw. argh.

Earwax: Sigur Ros ( ) and Hed Kandi Winter Chill 1 & 2

2003-04-10T20:00:00.000-07:00
Hello everyone. This is a long overdue post i knw. So here i am writing to you in camp, fighting back severe sleepiness. i was threatened by the higher authority in camp to put my signature down on a piece of paper if i were to sleep again. sigh. what's wrong with sleeping?
For everyone's information, im back with Felise. well, it took me a lot of courage to finally tell her what i really felt and i must say that i have thought alot about my feelings and my ownself.
People tend to realise the importance of something only when its not around, and usually when they do, its always too late.
In my case, im glad and thankful that i've been given the chance to make right what's wrong. Im not going to lose her again. I lost her once, and im not going to lose her again.
I love you.

oh, and something else, I'm on the lookout for a car. Anyone who has any friends who wants to sell their cars? Please let me know alrite?
Will be putting up a link soon to show you guys some photos that i took. Be patient alrite? these things take time.

Earwax: Gilles Peterson TrustTheDj.com number 4! Super electic stuff. Nuff said about the man himself.

2003-03-28T20:18:00.000-08:00
OKie, a little update on my driving amidst fighting a fever and slight flu.
I've been driving for the past few days in and out and i must say i'm quite getting the hang of driving a 2 litre auto car. sure, no clutch, no change of gear but then, just whack the accelerator and see the RPM needle go to 5 or 6 and zoom! Im off. so much for wanting to drive a Subaru WRX Sedan or a Nissan 350Z . Hah. it's a dream isnt it? Come on guys, tell me is it. But one day, i'll make it come true. and then we can all go out in our cars!
Imagine the line up all on the TPE:
Terence: Nissan Silvia S15 - Metallic Black Coat or Sunburst Yellow Coat

Roy: Honda Integra Type-R - Metallic Black Coat or a Mercedes E300 (haha) or your trusty Honda Super4 VTEC or your HAYABUSA!

Ah Kit: Subaru Impreza WRX STI - Original WRC Blue Coat

Chen: Vintage Porsches or Jaguars (sigh, he pentium 2 still lah. dont like fast cars. like old antiques *shakes head)

Sean Lim: i dont knw what u want to drive also. Honda Civic Type-R in Pearl White coat OR a Mini Cooper?

Kelvin Lee: Nissan Silvia S15 - Red /Nissan 350ZX 'Fairlady' Red OR Subaru Impreza WRX STI in a nice metallic Black Coat OR if cannot afford, Subaru TS 1.6 AWD can also.

Im hope i see this in time to come...we should work for it guys!
and on a downnote, i accidentally broke my Kings of Convienence CD while i placed it in the glove compartment. Fuck. I really liked that CD. seems that i have to buy another one. CD shopping soon!!!

2003-03-24T21:33:00.000-08:00
i passed my driving test! after 4 fucking times! and seeing the same tester for the fucking 3th time! How fucking lucky can i get!!??!

Wah lau eh!!! FUCK! FUCK!!

2003-03-20T23:42:00.000-08:00
i have a new tag board ppl, so leave ur shouts there.
thanks to roy for the html assistance.
i hate html.

2003-03-19T20:10:00.000-08:00
The war has begun.

2003-03-19T00:17:00.000-08:00

"Love withers under constraint: its very essence is liberty: it is compatible neither with obedience, jealousy, nor fear: it is there most pure, perfect, and unlimited, where its votaries live in confidence, equality, and unreserve."

Percy Bysshe Shelley

2003-03-19T00:06:00.000-08:00
i chanced upon some tests at Colorgenics and for the hell of it, i took some tests and here are some of my results.
Seriously, it's quite accurate since its based on perceptual psychoanalysis. Interesting...

My mood profile
Your Mood: You feel quite determined at the moment or as others might say stubborn! You feel resolute and want things done your way. You want to exert your will and are prepared to put in the necessary energy.You are not at your bravest now and want to retreat. Perhaps you feel hurt or let down by others and wish to retreat from a stressful situation. You may be feeling especially tired and in need of rest at the moment.

Your Present Situation: Your present situation is overwhelming you and your response is to become increasingly stubborn and idealistic. Because you feel unable to handle everything that is going on, it’s easier to break down and ignore the issues.Your current situation is causing you a great deal of angst. Somehow you have become over-involved in something that is leading to feelings of stress and doubt. You are at risk of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

My Archetype
The Sunset
Always searching for a fleeting image of a true experience, the Sunset personality is living in the world as it exists, but also in a perpetual quest to find the new, the exciting, the cusp of a changing day.

Emotionally volatile, this personality is known for sudden changes of opinion, of appreciation, and behavior. Following rules and established methods is difficult for this type of personality and the difficulties of higher education are usually quite daunting. Experience is the watchword for the Sunset. Knowledge is best gained through an intimate association with the matter at hand. Because of this, these personalities make excellent musicians,athletes or artists.

2003-03-13T16:54:00.000-08:00
One of the lesser heard quotes which i chanced upon inside a sushi shop. (huh? why the fuck is it in a sushi shop's wall?)

Chaos often breeds life, when order oftens breeds habit.

im listening to Hip-Hop! uh uh, yeah, y'all!!!!

Earwax: 50cent - In Da Club and Patiently Waiting (featuring Eminem)

2003-03-11T08:11:00.000-08:00
Hello folks, i give you another 'how-the-hell-it-corresponds-to-my-life' horoscope reading!

Writer Michael Tortorello has complained about the "national delight deficit." My friend Lanny bemoans the public's shrinking attention span for stories about joyful events and satisfying breakthroughs. I myself have marveled at the pathological tendency of many educated people to equate cynicism with intelligence. It's in the context of this stupefying collective addiction to dank moods that I give you your assignment, Scorpio: You, more than any other sign of the zodiac, are now primed to harvest an abundance of pleasure, mirth, and fun. Please don't keep it all to yourself; try to infect everyone you meet.

2003-03-05T22:10:00.000-08:00
OKie i knw this is not exactly the song to choose but this is the song is to really get over things in your life.

Linkin Park's new single from their new album Meteora.

"Somewhere I Belong"

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I live it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t trust to find the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Repeat Chorus]

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away and find myself today

[Repeat Chorus]

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

2003-03-02T20:22:00.000-08:00
Scorpio reading from Freewill Astrology

Arunothai Sriaran is Thailand's new "Miss Drunk." She won the title in a contest after gulping down too much wine and navigating her way through an obstacle course while wearing a heavy silk dress and golden headgear. In the insouciant spirit of this wicked fun, and in accordance with your current astrological omens, I hereby name you "Ms. (or Mr.) Drunk-on-Life." Your carefree and mischievously benevolent reign will last for either three weeks or until you stop learning new tricks about the art of being intelligently wild, whichever comes last.

Huh? I dont see anything here that seems to match..
I have an infected eye.
Taking imipramine with chlorpromazine and with loramet.
I am a pill junkie am i not?
Im addicted to my pills.
Sigh.
Fuck.

2003-03-01T18:50:00.000-08:00
This post comes in at an unearthly hour of 1028am.

For the past 2 nights at Fort Canning Green, I was paid to sit down and shoot something that was so well setup for something so less received by the local dance community in Singapore. Here are the people who organised something so massive for about let's say: 20 + FUCKING PEOPLE on the 1st night? Tell me , how the FUCK can i fill a XL-1 frame with just 20 people on fort canning green? I shant complain any further about my job i did, but let's just say it was the easiest job i ever undertook in my 2 years as an event cameraman. Even my cableguy was damn relaxed.

Okie, i move on to the music. 2 days of a 'dance party' promised 2 days of phat beats, progressive keyboard sounds and a solid 80hz bass beat. Yes, that bass beat is still ringing through my head as i write this post.

Earwax Report: Day 1
Early in the night, i was treated to the usual Retro sounds and R & B stuff from some jocks u can read on the link earlier on. The usual Mambo fare i must say. However, due to the immense boredom of shooting 1 DJ and 20+ people, which only 8 can be seen dancing at the PEAK point of the party, i danced to the last DJ from Ozzieland. Alex Balakov from SALT in Melbourne. I heard from so many people that SALT in Melbourne is quite a solid club. However, he played ANTHEMS! WAH LAU EH?!!!! I almost died man. But then, i didnt. i danced. i dont knw why also, cos i HATE anthems. but then, i guess its like boredom that im fighting, so i just committed myself to a few beers and let go. Note: standing infront of a Nexo Baby Geo Series Bass Bin can be hazardous to your health. At the end of the night, i felt like puking and shit. Fuck, those low end frequencies can really kill you. So much for that, i guess i do have a closet 'beng' side to me .

Earwax Report: Day 2
Okie, the night started off with D & B from a local jock named Alvin(if i recall correctly). Solid stuff, heard the todd terry remix of Tempermental in his mix. Not too bad, then progressed onto breakbeats with Feng and WeiLi from Frontallabs. It was good. I liked their set alot. Good scratching and a lot of good mixes. Then it was pioneer jock named Nigel something. Cant really be bothered. He played quite a fair bit of commerical house and then Max Graham took over. Seriously, his set was damn weak. He couldnt get the crowd up on their feet. Lacked energy man. But then, what really blew my mind away was Adam Beyer. 2 and a half hours of PURE TECHNO 80hz beats that came crashing out onto my ears. So much PUNCH!! wah lan. Even i was grooving when i was on camera. Damn solid. But then, just like last night, it was a poor turnout. I estimate that there was only about 150 people at the peak of the party.

Well that so much covers it. Recovering from post traumatic experiences.

Current Earwax: The Very Best of Bread(i love that song Aubrey) and Sigur Ros ( )

I need some sleep. Just ate my imipramine 75mg. Hmm. Should be in a state of rest soon.

2003-02-27T18:36:00.000-08:00
So as i say again, what is love?
As i try to psychoanalyse, i try to tear it apart, i try to piece it together, i find out something. i get lost in the nothingness inside of me.
I want to find something i wanted all along, in a place somewhere i belong.

Love can transpose to form and dignity:
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;
And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind:
Nor hath Love's mind of any judgement taste;
Wings and no eyes figure unheedy haste:
And therefore is Love said to be a child,
Because in choice he is so oft beguiled.
As waggish boys in game themselves forswear,
So the boy Love is perjured every where

A Midsummers Night's Dream
William Shakespeare

2003-02-17T18:32:00.000-08:00
A FedEx Package came for me this morning.
Guess what it contains?

2 new CDs!!! Free of charge!! from the kind ppl at Atlantic Records!!

1. The Donnas - Spend the Night ( totally good punk rock female band. not too bad! Brand New!)
2. Hot Action Cop - Unreleased copy yet, Album out in US only on March 3rd. Not too bad, Punk Rock kinda music.

maybe i should become a music reviewer or something. Then i can get all the free and promo CDs!!

Music is life.

2003-02-16T20:17:00.000-08:00
you, it was always you for me...nothing could change it. me, was there ever me for you...it's always changing

Taken from Last Days of April's bio on the deep elm record site.

2003-02-16T08:17:00.000-08:00
Here i am at 1208am.

Firstly, i would like to state for the record that i am fucked up.
Secondly, I dont knw why i would say the above mentioned.
Thirdly, this is a fast break type of post.
Fourthly, this thing about being 'socially acceptable' in this world is through and thoroughly fucked up.
Last but not least, my mind is blank. (Having short term memory loss is the effect of withdrawal from Lexotan, Xanax and Flurazepam)

New earwax: Acoustic Chill - complied by Chris Coco ( it has my vitriol - always my way ) its like HUH HUH? on a chris coco album? HUHUHHUH?
and the ever powerful Jeff Buckley - Mystery White Boy (Live in France) [his lyrics all damn emo man. its like i-want-to-cry-today-so-i-put-on-jeff-buckley-cd .

2003-02-10T09:02:00.000-08:00
Here. check this out. Corresponds to the test rite?

It's not easy to become yourself. Most people never figure out the trick. That's usually because they have an unreliable connection with the one source that offers unfailing guidance: the still, small voice within. They're distracted by the din of mildly interesting but useless information that our culture produces in abundance. You, on the other hand, are always pretty hot on the trail of finding out who you really are. That's one of the perks of being born a Scorpio. And in the coming weeks, you'll be able to tune in to your personal homing beacon better than ever. Prepare to receive instructions on how to become yourself twice as fast.

2003-02-10T09:00:00.000-08:00
The Depression Test
Depression is one of the most prevalent and serious mental illnesses in the world today; approximately one in four women and one in eight men experience at least one bout of clinical depression in their lifetime. Almost every one of us has, at one point or another, experienced a "blue mood" as a result of a disruptive life event (like ending a relationship) or day-to-day stress. However, true depression is a pervasive feeling of sadness that impairs our general functioning and lasts for more than two weeks. While we often throw around the word "depressed" to describe any fleeting moment of unhappiness, depression is actually a biological illness that doesn't simply disappear overnight.

As researchers and doctors work to better understand the biological roots of depression, treatment options improve and become more available. With proper treatment, in fact, the feelings of despair, hopelessness, and helplessness can be alleviated so sufferers can go on to live rich and fulfilling lives. Unfortunately, the diagnosis of depression is often delayed, as well-meaning friends and family tell the depressed individual to "just snap out of it". Many people still carry the misperception that depression is a character flaw, a problem that happens because the individual is weak. Because of this stigma, people suffering from depression often hesitate to seek medical treatment.

The first step towards breaking free of depression is diagnosing the problem. The Depression Test is a good start, but if you show any signs of depression you should not hesitate to seek professional advice.

Results of the Depression Test

Your score = 91

What does your score mean?
Your score suggests severe depression. You have a sense of dissatisfaction with life and a feeling that things are somehow beyond your realm of control. You wonder whether life has any meaning and feel that you'll never be happy "just like everyone else". Step one on the road to recovery is realizing that suffering from depression is not your fault. Depression seems like potential energy turned in on itself and made into an incapacitating paralysis. You have the potential to be very much alive.

So please, see a doctor; you really do not need to suffer this way. Remember, depression is a medical problem and it is not "just in your head". It is not something you did and you are not being punished. You don't deserve to suffer, no matter how badly you feel about yourself right now. I strongly recommend that you go to see you physician as soon as you can. There is help; please, go and get it.

Some of the more common symptoms of depression are:

Changes in sleep habits such as insomnia, early morning awakening, or sleeping too much.
Changes in eating habits such as loss of appetite or weight gain.
Decreased energy, feeling of fatigue.
Restlessness and irritability.
Difficulty in concentration, remembering, and making decisions.
Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, guilt or worthlessness.
Persistent sad, anxious, or empty feelings.
Loss of interest in pleasurable activities, such as involvement with loved ones or hobbies.
Thoughts of death or suicide.
To fulfill the diagnostic criteria for major depressive episode (in other words to receive an official diagnosis of depression), five (or more) of these symptoms have to be present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning. At least one of the symptoms must be either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure (DSM-IV, 1996).

2003-02-09T08:10:00.000-08:00
A quick update on events happened.

Lazy Dog at zouk with Jay Hannan was GREAT! SOLID! SHOIK!
Hmm, however, Jazzanova kinda failed to create that vibe i was expecting . but then again, cos i didnt stay all the way at Phuture, as the guys and i were running between zouk and phuture.

How guys? Like nu-jazz? hehe. Im going get the Lazy Dog Mix CD soon, when i got enough dough and then im going to get Jazzanova's new CD. (relatively new lah) but then , anything on the compost/ jazzanova compost label is rocking. Broken beats fused with the essence of trip hop and tech step with smooth grooves.

the magic of music

2003-02-06T20:11:00.000-08:00
Terence wrote what i thought was a beautiful poem. let me share it with you guys here.
Copyright is by Terence Sim.

The cigarette burns
The mind turns numb
The smoke dances on
And little circles form
By the window
It's another night
The moon glares down
And the ground looks near
Drag a puff
I drop the thought
Flick the stick
And watch it float
Hits the ground
But it wasn't me
Reality check
Life goes on -

I guess we all think about jumping off out of our window when we are smoking. same for me, same for him,. same for everyone. but sadly, it's only a thought. i guess we dont have the balls to do it. I didnt. i didnt have the fucking balls to go SPLAT from 11 floors.
sigh.

2003-02-04T09:03:00.000-08:00
Title of post: Tears of a heart that has a small voice
issues with my cousin and her bf resulted in a long talk and consoling session with her .
Movie with my aunt cynthia and my cousin(angela), who cried throughout the whole movie, Shanghai Knights.
sigh.
why must it feel so bad?
Love hurts.
sigh.

I found out that buying CDs and listening to them make me happy. for a short while . u knw, until i hear the CD, if its emo. then too bad lah. i wil be emo also.

New Earwax!

1. Kings of Convience Remixes
2. Frank Sinatra My Way - Greatest Hits
3. BRMC (Black Rebel Motorcycle Club ) - wah , it's 2nd hand at Gramaphone and it's in perfect condition. for only $7.99!
4. Erasure - Other People's Songs (great cover album by Erasure. fantastic. Songs like video killed the radio star, when will i see u again & you've lost that loving feelin, etc)
5. Underworld - A Hundred Days Off. new album without the other guy that elft, cant remember his name of a sudden, is it Darren Emerson? Someone tell me pls.)

Just toook the cocktail of pills again. I need a good rest tonite.
Duty in camp 2molo. ah. Fucked up as it should be. but then, i have many new CDs to accompany me. haha. but then, no, i shall sleep early 2molo or at least i dont knw. i'm such a confused soul at times.

2003-01-29T19:18:00.000-08:00
The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life. And the body is born young and grows old. That is life's tragedy.
" Oscar Wilde"

2003-01-28T22:16:00.000-08:00
Title of post: Takeaway dinners for the broken hearted

a quote from Paulo Coelho's book - Veronika Decides to Die

" I didnt die! she starting shouting, crawling towards the other patients, smearing the floor and furniture with her vomit. 'I'm still in this bloody hospital , forced to live with you lot, living a thousand deaths every day, every night, and not one of you feels an ounce of pity for me."

my version

" i didnt die! Kelvin shouted. In his mind, he's crawling through all the other Kelvins , smearing the floor of his mind with vomit and he screams, ' im still in this bloody world, forced to live with rest of my fucked up personas,e very day, every night, every minute, every sec, and not one of you understands me. "

i hate myself for thinking this way but the thoughts just come into my mind, flooding my space, violating whatever peace i need. Sleep with flurazepam is needed.
whenever, i try to sleep normally (that is without peace), i cant sleep. Astral space travel (the soul leaves the body and travels) is one of the things on my mind which i need to experince. Maybe a overdose of insulin would induce a coma and that would help. But, hey, i aint got no insulin. But i have Prothiaden.

maybe it would work if i take more than 5 of the sweet little red pills.

Yes?

No?

i dont knw.

2003-01-27T19:41:00.000-08:00
Scorpio reading from Free Will Astrology

Here's one of my favorite paradoxes. All of us are eminently fallible nobodies. We're crammed with delusions and base emotions. We give ourselves more slack than we ever give anyone else, and we're brilliant at justifying our irrational biases with seemingly logical explanations. And yet it's equally true that every one of us is a glorious creation unlike any other in the history of the world. We're all stars with inexhaustible potential, gods and goddesses in the making. This week, Scorpio, I suspect you will vividly embody this paradox, as you range from the ignominious depths to the breathtaking heights.

2003-01-23T21:48:00.000-08:00
i must watch 8 mile.
Syak reviewed it to be a very reflective film. a sorta of film that gets u thinking about ur own achievements once u step out of the cinema. hmm.
I shall. (soon to come, my own review on "Hero") - Christoper Doyle was the DP man + Zhang Yimou is the director. Combo.
I must say Prothiaden 75mg is not too bad. it's keeping my mood stable and everyone feels so . From chen to terence to sean and to myself. i find myself calming down, after taking the medication. it's strange. Relying on pills to keep one's sanity sane.
well, im still on Xanax. and everything else. sigh.
im tired. i need some rest.

A campmate of mine has floxetine which is the infamous Prozac .
I wanna take prozac. he seems happier after taking it. i dont knw man.
im like turning into a junkie.
A junkie looking for the ultimate high -
Inner peace

2003-01-22T01:35:00.000-08:00
Well well, i noted that Terence has got a blog.
Cheers man.
My daily drug cocktail still continues and i feel like shit.
quote of the day: Feeling like fuck is an understatement, the word 'fuck' is no where to what im feeling.
Earwax of the day: Ann Sally - Voyages

2003-01-20T23:40:00.000-08:00
Life in all visual splendour of a evening sunset, the wisping smoke of a cigarette and the laughs of kinship, fails to offer me one thing.
Peace
- a quote from kelvin lee , dated Oct 05 2001.

2003-01-20T23:32:00.000-08:00
a repost from August 16, 2001
Thursday, August 16, 2001

Have you ever had a feeling that the world has spurned so full of love and yet you have no share of it at all?

Have you ever had a feeling of desolation, coupled with a feeling to be with people around you?

Have you ever had a feeling that when you see everyone around in love, you are impossibly appalled or shocked?

Have you ever had a feeling in which you felt so fucked up that you actually smile or let your 'happy' emotions cloud your sadness?

Have you ever had a feeling of hate, in which it was mixed with love and even logic and reasoning?

Have you ever had a feeling that you are tired of your own life and want to end it?

i ask this to everyone who reads my page.

2003-01-20T23:23:00.000-08:00
I start this entry by writing to Sigur Ros's () .

I skip track 1 and track 2.

The music fills my ears, my feelings engulf me.
my eyes start to tear.
track 3 of () seems to play along with the waves of my emotions.
I really want to see inside my heart.
Pick out the black spots, pick up the shattered pieces and trying the mend a damaged mirror

Track 4 plays.

Hello everyone im back.

I have a very potent concotion every night entitled "sanity" .
the receipe for this potent drugtail is as follows:

2 x Flurezapam (15mg)
1 X Prothiaden (75mg)
2 X Alprazolam (2mg)

Mix up well with a shot of H20 and dissolve well into system.
Effective for mind-fucked ppl like me. Sleep arrives in 5 mins or so.

i hate myself at times. why? that seems the never-ending question isnt it?
I look into my soul and i ponder, where do the gaze in my eyes lead me too?
I cant see the depth im falling into. I try to move along, but memories are stopping.

Fuck.

Nothing can erase that memory. I am walking around with a cloud of memories on my head (by sean lim)

Track 5 plays.

i try to type. I try to think. Nothing comes out. I ponder.

Track 6 plays.

I end this post. no more thoughts.

2003-01-09T01:00:00.000-08:00
there is something about this song that is so apt for me.

seriously, im sorry its by staind but hey, it so true.

It's Been A While"

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candle lights your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry

2003-01-01T12:37:00.000-08:00

Which Lord of the Rings Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2002-12-26T21:38:00.000-08:00

You're fire! In general you're not a mean person but you can be very quick tempered, and boy, WHAT A TEMPER YOU CAN HAVE. You are angered very easily and you sometimes have anti-social habits.

What element are you?

2002-12-21T23:27:00.000-08:00

Which ArchAngel are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

2002-12-09T18:13:00.000-08:00
i begin typing this post.
i quarrelled with her last nite. it was the worst quarrel in our relationship.
issues of contention, time spent, quality time, friends over her, all these dont make sense.
i dont knw why? but i feel fucked.
am i doomed to never love a person properly?
i try and i did try.
what am i supposed to feel now?
im feeling sadness, emptiness, and all the other fuck emotions.
why am i like this? or why am i like that?
i guess i never will know wont i?
it's true, maybe i cant love someone properly after all.

Kelvin is feeling fucked to : Erik Satie Trois Gymnopedie

2002-12-07T08:06:00.000-08:00
Here is a great song from way back in the 70s. Great song for getting up and preparing to go out. Gets me into the vibe. Try try!

Sweet Home Alabama

Big wheels keep on turning
Carry me home to see my kin
Singing songs about the Southland
I miss Alabamy once again
And I think its a sin, yes

Well I heard mister Young sing about her
Well, I heard ole Neil put her down
Well, I hope Neil Young will remember
A Southern man don't need him around anyhow

Sweet home Alabama
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet Home Alabama
Lord, I'm coming home to you

In Birmingham they love the gov' nor
Now we all did what we could do
Now Watergate does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you?
Tell the truth

Sweet home Alabama
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet Home Alabama
Lord, I'm coming home to you
Here I come Alabama

Now Muscle Shoals has got the Swampers
And they've been known to pick a song or two
Lord they get me off so much
They pick me up when I'm feeling blue
Now how about you?

Sweet home Alabama
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet Home Alabama
Lord, I'm coming home to you

Sweet home Alabama
Oh sweet home baby
Where the skies are so blue
And the guv'nor's true
Sweet Home Alabama
Lordy
Lord, I'm coming home to you
Yea, yea Montgomery's got the answer

2002-12-06T23:25:00.000-08:00
Hello everyone!
writing down my entry on a boring day.
Just came back from a shoot that lasted from 1130pm till 6am the next day. i am tired
Im kinda happy today cos i got 2 presents from a army buddy of me, Sunil. We both share the same passion for the same music.
GUess what.

I've got these 2 new CDS!

1. Mandalay - Solace (he knows i totally love chill out)
2. James Lavelle - GU 023 Barcelona (this is fucking SOLID!! even though it's only disc 1 cos he left disc 2 in his car.) it's a burned copy. heh. so fucking sue me.

music on a sleepy and dark wednesday. wat more can i ask?

2002-12-04T20:38:00.000-08:00

The Difference Between Focusing on Problems and Focusing on Solutions

When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity.

(Ink won't flow down to the writing surface) In order to solve this problem, they hired Andersen Consulting (Accenture today).

It took them one decade and 12 million dollars.

They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, under water, on practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

The Russians used a pencil..

2002-12-04T06:50:00.000-08:00
Perplexity is the beginning of knowledge.
now, this is interesting.
i thought about this statement. how true is this?
very true. very true.

2002-12-04T06:45:00.000-08:00
im tired. in camp. bored. help.

2002-11-26T23:33:00.000-08:00
Quote of the day:

Insanity is the best sanity. --Edgar Allen Poe

i guess being insane is the best reason and form to live my life isnt it?
Just at times, read between the fine print and indeed, you will find the answers u're looking for.
But is it worth it? i dont think so.

2002-11-24T09:54:00.000-08:00
Quote of the day:

I try to take each day one at a time, but lately, they all attacked me at once

how true for me.

2002-11-20T19:49:00.000-08:00
yes and for those who visted my revamped site.
Thanks.
so much for that.
and yes, as everyone can see, i need some help with my Archive links.
How does that work?
questions that have no answers for the needy.

2002-11-18T17:26:00.000-08:00
hello everybody
it's been a while since i wrote to this html page.
i just realised something, there is a HUGE singaporean blogging community going on!
i mean, i never knew so many singaporeans would have the determination and well, time to blog man. gohere and check it out.
i just realised that from blogging, it will u know, in a certain and almost unassuming way, affect other people who read my blog. Why? the question? cos, i've been a victim on it one time too many.
Thinkin back on the past, sigh. Reminiscing the good times and bad times *so lionel ritchie, i'll be by your side forever morreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*, so corny.
you knw, i really regret doing somethings in my life last time. okie, why are my words not coming out properly cos i didnt have enough sleep. Kena duty in camp, so pardon me.
You knw, there's this huge drawback in writing your emotions on the Net cos it's just words. Anyone and everyone can say, "woah, that was too much! insert gossip here"

it's a double edged sword thing, as every coin has 2 sides. i want so much but sadly, i only have so little? contentment and humility are what i feel are the 2 most important human essences that are lacking in every human being.
Me and You
you never seem to realised it becos of so many other factors that are hindering ur 'inner' sight - pride, ego, hate, anger, and blah.
so much emotions, so little space to feel all of them in your heart.
so what's the big deal?
i failed my driving test AGAIN, should i be angry? no. SHould i be sad? no. But i should be happy. cos i still got ppl around me.
i'll try again, so much for waiting till March. Fucking hell. *you see! the anger is attacking me again.*

Bascially, i 'm a confused and weird arsehole. help.
the world doesnt need another weird mutherfucker like me.

*can someone kill me pls.*

Earwax : Stan Getz , Coldplay and Rachmaninov's Piano Concertos
so apt for a rainy day.

2002-11-13T20:43:00.000-08:00
DisorderRatingParanoid:ModerateSchizoid:LowSchizotypal:ModerateAntisocial:LowBorderline:Very HighHistrionic:ModerateNarcissistic:LowAvoidant:HighDependent:Very HighObsessive-Compulsive:Moderate
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

im crazy i tell u. i am . u all dont believe me? even the bloody computer tells me.
sigh.

2002-11-03T12:32:00.000-08:00

what's your inner flower?

[c] s u g a r d
e w

i am what? african violet. do they have it even in sg?
sigh.

2002-10-26T23:45:00.000-07:00
Good day, it's time to update my blog i guess.
well, i went to JB and brought back a haul of solid DVDs. was feeling so sick and puke-ish during the journey but i guess it was all worth the effort.
check this out..

1. Clerks - directed by Kevin Smith
2. The Thomas Crown Affair - directed by John Mctiernan
3. (a classic) The Crow - Directed by Alex Proyas
4. Mulholland Dr. Directed by David Lynch
5.The Usual Suspects( love Kevin Spacey ) - Directed by Bryan Singer.

I love movies.. i really do.
Kevin Smith rocks. He does.

2002-10-23T17:28:00.000-07:00
Morning folks.
It's another day in my life at the BCTC. The hell hole of singapore, the perpetual breeding ground for ALL SPECIES OF MOSQUITOS.
U knw, i was thinking abt this last nite, what exactly runs this world? i mean the whole shit load of metaphysics and shit.
It's interesting to knw? but then it's perplexing at the same time? but then, im a confused X 100 person. serious.
i get confused over the slightest things, and the weirdest thing. I ..i...well...
Sorta reach a conclusion that blogs are sometimes bad thing. it's like exposing ur soul to the whole world? but then, it's a form of emotional release at the same time? u see, what defines a person's emotional state? feelings, moods and thoughts all stored in a part of the temporal lobe called the limbic system, into something called a amgyloba(i dont knw the exact spelling, any Doctors or Med students can help me) which is no bigger than a what say, grenade?
fuck.
why do i even bother.
Ear wax: Thelonius Monk : Best of London Recordings

2002-10-23T01:17:00.000-07:00
Alrite, my bday is coming...haha...
so here's my wish list!! courtesy of amazon
alritey, can everyone go get me something from there? haha..
just joking...no worries about that.
Sigh, times files, and i'm 21yrs?
haha..been eventful i believe.
to more good years!

2002-10-22T07:38:00.000-07:00
The day passed slowly today.
somehow, i've been living every minute for like another 2 mins.
it's so depressing, seeing people walk past me at the MRT, not smiling, heads down, mumbling on their handphones or just looking at the ground.
i walk with my head down too.
and i look at shoes.
i love shoes. i mean shoes define each and every person's personality i feel.
big puffy shoes, small classy shoes, high heels, pumps, sports shoes, skate shoes, adventure shoes(timberland and x-trainers type), adidas stan smiths' (classic ones, not the mat types), open toe heels, open toe sandals, slip ons from female footwear shops, the list goes now.
i think i'm weird.
but hey, my assumption of the various ppl i met kinda tallies with my 1st impression of their shoes they're wearing.
i mgt be wrong but then i mgt be right. but who cares?
no one.
cos i'm only answerable to myself.

2002-10-15T17:57:00.000-07:00
i just wrote a long post, a fuucking long post and blogger died on me. IT's just so FUCKED UP. at times. well, not always.but then again, fuck these predictablities(is there such a word).

im so pissed. anyway. fuck it. i guess the song im listening to now is definetely so apt.

Earwax of the moment: Ironic by Alanis Morissette - The MTV Acoustic Sessions

yes, everything goes wrong.

condolences to the ppl of the bali bomb blast.

Fuck terrorism.

2002-10-14T21:16:00.000-07:00
Quote of the day:(coincidentally from The Collected Works of William Shakespeare

"There are more things in heaven
and earth, Horatio, Than are
dreamt of in your philosophy"
William Shakespeare, Hamlet Prince of Denmark

2002-10-13T10:23:00.000-07:00
align="center">

Which Element Represents You?
created by kefkafanatic @ mental insanity

kinda proves my earlier post.

2002-10-12T00:47:00.000-07:00
im having this angst thing in me. I dont knw. is it the meat im eating? is it the water that im drinking? is it the world against me? i dont knw.
im getting angsty and angry for no fuck reason at times. then, my shit kicks in and i end up feeling so fucked, i could probably die.
i dont knw. it's like some alter ego is taking over me. honestly, GOD, i leave it up to u.
cant be fucking bothered to fuck the internal battles that rage in me. i have so much support from ppl but at times, i feel that im losing this war.
man.
if pills cant help me and ppl cant bring me up, who can?
God maybe. Well, here am i! it's up to u already. go ahead and bring it on.
earwax: Chocolate Tiger's As If and Transient. ( i really like it)

2002-10-06T18:32:00.000-07:00
hmm...another one for the day?
sigh, im such a hard up fella for these kinda tests.

What Sort of Romantic Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2002-10-01T09:03:00.000-07:00

Which Winona Are You?
okie..i dont knw why i did this test, but is there a winona ryder in me?

and worse, do i look like i am Carrie from Sex and the City?
sigh..
center>

Which Sex and the City Vixen Best Matches Your Sex Style?

Your Secret Fetish Is Feet!

Where some people see stinky and ugly, you see beautiful and delicious.

You might like to foot fuck,

or you might be simply turned on by the vision of a well formed foot in heels.

Remember, in the world of foot fetish, five toes are much more useful than one dick.

What's *Your* Secret Fetish? Click Here to Find Out!

hmm..i like my feet. hahah..

2002-09-23T01:01:00.000-07:00
u knw, i just wrote a long post on my blog and then i got some error shit that totally fucks up everything.sigh.
the implications of life all contained into a keyboard.
I dont knw, but is it because we are a generation of left clickers or maybe i should say we are all a playstation generation of people.
Depression strikes once again, losing my mind to endless strains of Elvis Costello. I hate being in camp.
Make Love Not War.

2002-09-12T22:12:00.000-07:00
Good day world.
Finally a nite's rest without my pills. I cannot believe the fatigue i had to endure.
sanity.sanity. what defines sanity?
what makes you sane?
This is the universal question rite?
Erich Fromm mgt be wrong, Freud mgt be right and Kant mgt be neutral.
But i knw i'm stuck in the middle. Finding my own

.sanity.

2002-09-11T17:16:00.000-07:00

You wish you were feared. Unfortunately your inner voice tells you to be good. Your badness is all show. You secretly watch the Muppet show. You get scared in the dark, and you probably still sleep with a stuffed animal.

Maybe, i really do have a a bad side. sigh..what am i talk about. seems to me like everyone's a "Vanilla Ice" in disguise.
It's the society i tell you. It's the society. It's never the individual. Cos, we are all unique and we like ourselves to be ourselves. Not to change ourselves to be someone else.

Still finishing up on Erich Fromm's The Sane Society and intending to get down to kinokuniya again to look at other books. Seems that i tend to read more often these days than another times in my life.
later tonight perhaps.

2002-09-09T00:07:00.000-07:00
I WAS A GIFTED CHILD
i had my niche.
intelligent. creative. or artistic.
what kind of child were you?
(brought you by april)

on more for the road..